Monster is Addictive, Just Like Crack
by Asura Mori
Summary: Eyes has had a Monster and Kanone fears for his life. CRACK FIC. Implied Kanone/Eyes. Rated T.


Yep, Asura Mori here. Bwahahaha, I bet you guys thought I was dead or something, but no. I'm still alive, though I doubt that will be for much longer, considering if there are any of my other reviewers reading this… "So why hasn't she updated her other stories?" Well… cause I'm in a bit of a slump… and for some reason can only write crack fics… in other words, my other stories are on hold for now. ANYWAYS, here's another crack fic for ya: MONSTER IS ADDICTIVE, JUST LIKE CRACK. Enjoy.

P.S.: ITALICS MEAN IT'S A THOUGHT!

Warning: Swearing, implications, and humor induced by drinking Monster at 6:30 in the morning. Oh, and OOCness from Eyes.

Disclaimer: … Yeah, I don't own Spiral in any way, shape, or form. Now leave me alone to crash in peace. XD

Monster is Addictive, Just Like Crack

By: Asura Mori

Kanone Hilbert walks into Eye's apartment just in time to see his friend finishing a big ass can of Monster…

Kanone: … Eyes…? Are you… all right…?

Eyes: Do I look bloody all right to you?! And why do you care anyway? Oh, I know. You're gay, aren't you?! You just act like you care 'cause you want to fuck me in the ass! That's it, isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!

Kanone: 0_o

Eyes: Fuckin' commies… they're always after me… ALWAYS… (appears to fall asleep)

Kanone: The hell? (goes over to the pianist) Eyes? (shakes) Eyes? Hey, wake up…

Eyes: (eyes snap open) YOU'LL NEVER TAKE FUZZY AND ME ALIVE! (pushes Kanone away, grabs a bear plushie, and runs to the other side of the room)

Kanone: Oooooooooooooookay… (shrugs and starts walking towards Eyes) I think you've had enough to drink-

Eyes: BACK VILLAIN! IF YOU WANT MY HAND IN MARRIAGE, EVIL SORCEROR, YOU MUST DEFEAT MY KNIGHT… SIR FUZZY!

Kanone: **… **I thought we were talking about commies…

Eyes: (frowns) You're not here to fight my knight in honorable battle? For my hand in marriage?

Kanone: Uh, NO. I'm not gay.

Eyes: Duh, I'm a PRINCESS. Of course you're not gay.

Kanone: … (turns away) Pfft.

Eyes: (thinking) If you're not here to fight for my hand in marriage, then… OH! You're here to KIDNAP and RAPE me! (glares) Sir Fuzzy will stop your evil plan! YOU WILL NOT HAVE ME!

Kanone: Wha…?

Eyes: (throws "Sir Fuzzy" at him) DEFEND MY HONOR SIR KNIGHT! (flees into his room)

Kanone: … the fuck…? Very disturbed now…

Eyes: (comes out in a maid's uniform and gasps when he sees Kanone) Oh, master! I didn't know you were home…

Kanone: 0_o E-Eyes?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!

Eyes: (cocks head to the side) You don't… like it…? Shall I… take it off…?

Kanone: (shaking his head) I never thought I'd see the day when you of all people would wear a maid's uniform… Yeah, you need to take that thing off… It looks too _natural _on you…

Eyes: (shrugs) Okay. (starts stripping)

Kanone: **0_o **WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR?!

Eyes: (pauses) Because that's how you said you liked me. No undergarments, always ready to service you…

Kanone: WHEN DID I EVER SAY THAT?!

Eyes: (snaps) Oh, so I'm not good enough for you anymore, is that it?! Well, I hope your WIFE doesn't somehow magically FIND OUT that you're CHEATING on her!

Kanone: WHAT WIFE?! I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED! (Asura: Ah, poor, poor Kanone)

Eyes: (huffs and walks back into his room, butt-naked)

Kanone: My eyes… they **BURN**! (covers his eyes)

Eyes: (comes back out, dressed like a dominatrix, whip and handcuffs included) So, how do you want to do this?

Kanone: Wh-wha…? Eyes… what's with… whip… corset… handcuffs…? … WHY ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?! IT DOESN'T COVER **ANYTHING**! (slams head into wall, repeating "I'M NOT GAY!" with every thud)

Eyes: (sighs, places hand on hip, and shakes his head) Look, if you're not into this kind of thing, then why come here at all? (taps the side of his BARE thigh with whip) Quit wasting my time, you sad excuse for a man. Jesus, Fuzzy's got more balls than you do. If you're not here to please me, then get the hell out. (turns away from Kanone and goes and picks up Fuzzy) Isn't that right Poppa Fuzzy?

Kanone: 0_o I-I think it's time for me to go… (opens door and goes back into the hallway, getting ready to leave when he hears sobbing from inside the apartment) The hell…? (looks back into Eyes' apartment and sees the pianist slumped on the ground, sobbing and holding "Poppa Fuzzy" to his chest)

Eyes: Why do they always leave me? First Kiyotaka, now Kanone… IS IT BECAUSE I'M UNLOVABLE?! AM I DOOMED TO BE ALONE FOREVER?! … (glares at Fuzzy) WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A SLUT?! (gasps) I DID **NOT **SLEEP WITH KIYOTAKA! (gasps again) HE DID **NOT **LEAVE BECAUSE I WAS SLEEPING WITH AYUMU! I DIDN'T EVEN **KNOW **AYUMU THREE YEARS AGO! (starts crying) WHY DO YOU ALL HATE ME?

Kanone: … Woooooooooow, too much drama for me. (starts backing away and bumps into a woman) Oops, my bad.

?: Hey, no big. I'm just here to check up on Mr. Rutherford. XD

Kanone: Oh, all right- Wait a minute… Asura?!

Asura: That's me. X3

Kanone: … and why are you here?

Asura: It's called "being bored". But don't worry, I'll be leaving in like five seconds.

Kanone: Huh-?

Asura: POOF! (throws down smoke bomb and disappears)

Kanone: I'm gonna tell Raith that you stole his move! (shrugs) Anyway… that was weird…

Eyes: Very.

Kanone: AAH! (turns to stare at Eyes, hand over his heart) JESUS MAN! DON'T FUCKING SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!

Eyes: Sorry…

Kanone: … So… are you… back to normal now? … and when did you change clothes…?

Eyes: … Kanone… I have something I want to tell you…

Kanone: (scared) And that would be…? (backs away slowly)

Eyes: … I WANT A PONY NAMED SUNSHINE! (starts crying)

Kanone: Oh for the love of… WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

Eyes: (sniffle) But Mr. Fuzzy said that I should have a pony 'cause I'm famous and famous ppl have ponies…

Kanone: You don't need a pony, Eyes… _Jeez, it's like talking to a child…_

Eyes: (grows quiet)

Kanone: _Uh-oh… what's he thinking about now?_

Eyes: Kanone… can you make the pain go away?

Kanone: … Huh?

Eyes: (hugs Kanone) I want you to make me feel better…

Kanone: _I have a bad feeling about this…_

Eyes: (rubs head against Kanone's chest) Kanone… will you make love to me…?

Kanone: _I KNEW IT! _(groans inwardly) _WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!_

FLASHBACK – THREE YEARS AGO

Kanone: Kousuke, Kiyotaka wants us to meet him up at - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!

Kousuke: (looks down) A tutu.

Kanone: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?! IT DOESN'T COVER ANYTHING! (Asura: Hm… this seems familiar, lol.)

Kousuke: 'Cause I'm a ballerina. X3

Kanone: … RIO! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GIVING KOUSUKE WEIRD IDEAS?! (runs out of the room and that night he has nightmares about tutus)

END FLASHBACK

Kanone: _These things ALWAYS happen to me… _(pushes Eyes away) I'm sorry, Eyes, but I just don't like you that way…

Eyes: (throws himself at Kanone, making them both fall to the ground) NO! I WON'T BE DENIED AGAIN! I'LL MAKE YOU LOVE ME!

Kanone: GET OFF OF ME, EYES! I'M… NOT… GAY!

Eyes: (sits back on Kanone's legs, tears falling down his cheeks) Oh, I get it. It's cause I'm a small town girl with little breasts. You don't love me 'cause I'm not pretty! (SOBS)

Kanone: (blinks) _This is turning awkward… _Eyes, it's not like that…

Eyes: (blinks and looks around) Where am I…? What the hell am I doing? (looks down at Kanone) And why the hell am I sitting on top of you?

Kanone: Well… that's kinda hard to explain…

Eyes: (nose wrinkles in disgust) You animal.

Kanone: Huh…?

Eyes: (sighs and shakes head) How many times do I have to tell you, Kanone? I know you're horny and that you have needs, but I just can't be that one for you.

Kanone: Wha…?

Eyes: (still shaking his head, gets up) Look, I just want to be your friend. Nothing more.

Kanone: Wait… this is…

Eyes: (sighs again) Look. Kanone. You like me. I get it. But you have to understand. I. Don't. Like. Boys. (walks into kitchen, still shaking his head)

Kanone: Huh? … But…? Wha…? (so confused)

Eyes: (from the kitchen) Let's see… where did I put that other can…? (rummaging through the fridge) Ah, here it is. XD (walks out with another huge can of Monster)

Kanone: … (still in shock)

Eyes: (opens Monster with a loud pop)

Kanone: (jumps, looks over, and pales considerably)

Kanone screams just as Eyes takes a sip of Monster…

FIN.

Asura: Oh yeah, that was fun. XD

Kanone: Ugh, the horror… Eyes on Monster…

Asura: Oh, shush, you two have done worse.

Eyes and Kanone: (look at her) What?

Asura: … Uhh… (runs)

Eyes: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'VE DONE "WORSE"?!

Kanone: (reading Asura's other fics) 0_o

Eyes: (looks over, reads, and faints)


End file.
